Sunday, September 13, 2015

And the Countdown Begins

It is hard to believe that today, September 13, 2015 marks 11 months since Peyton died.

Since his death, the Patriots won their 4th Super Bowl, the US lifted sanctions on Cuba, Donald Trump announced his run for the Presidency, the Avengers saved the Earth yet again, and the sun rose and fell over 300 times.  Yet one thing remains the same, and that is the huge void that his death has left in my life, and the never ending pain that has become a constant.  While the rest of the world has gone on, mine has come to a stand still.

Now I am faced with a new first, that anniversary of his death.  I have read, and numerous people, who have been in my shoes, have told me that the anticipation is worse than the actual day itself. And while that may be true, I still have another month of anticipation to go, and for lack of a better term, it sucks.

Part of the problem is that the original numbness that came with the shock of his suicide attempt and subsequent death, has worn off.  Now it is all an exposed nerve, and everything sets off a new wave of pain.  Even as I sit here writing, I am fighting back tears.  I have been told to think of positives whenever I think of the negatives, but even those bring me no comfort.  I just keep realizing there will never be any more positives, and the beat goes on.

I launched #Products4Peyton, I immersed myself in the #PeytonHeartProject, and plan on captaining a team, Peyton's Heart,  for the upcoming Out of the Darkness Walk to help raise money for suicide prevention, but none of that takes away the sting of Peyton's death.  Don't get me wrong, I love knowing that I am helping out others, and hopefully, I have made a difference in some one's life, but it never seems to fill the void.

I think the worst part is that the world just keeps going.  To me, and many in my shoes, that is the hardest thing to deal with.  I see people driving in their cars without a care in the world, filling up stadiums to cheer on their teams, voting in elections across the country and around the world, and i want to scream.  their lives get to keep going on.  Their lives haven't come to a screaming stop.  Their lives are full of the people that they love, and care for.  To them, Peyton and 40,000 others in the US, 800,000 more around the world, are nothing more than a statistic they saw somewhere.  It isn't their problem.  And to me that is unacceptable.

They say that a suicide affects at least six people intimately.  So for those 4.8 million suffering around the globe, I will spend the next month and beyond being a voice for you and your loved ones. I will speak out when I feel the need.  I will inform and educate when it is called for.  I will answer questions that may be ignored otherwise.  Most of all, I will make sure that those that take their lives are not merely a statistic, and for those that are uncomfortable with the topic of suicide, I will continue to speak until there is no longer a need for me to speak.